


Til (His) Death Do Us Part

by LittleMissCactus



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, Forced Marriage, Hate to Love, M/M, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-05-19 01:55:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14864459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleMissCactus/pseuds/LittleMissCactus
Summary: Agents Jones and Braginsky's rivalry has been infamous for years, but somehow, their boss thinks it would be a good idea for them to pretend to be married for a case. The only problem is that they may rip each other apart before they even get to the target.Rated E for torture, violence, and a sex scene towards the end.





	1. Chapter 1

"Braginsky, please have a seat. We need to talk."

I slid into the plush armchair across from Agent Héderváry with a sigh.

"If this is about the coffee machine, it wasn't my fault! Someone had broken one of the wires!"

There was an uncomfortable pause. "Coffee machine? What are you talking about?"

"Oh, um... nothing."

"Right. We can discuss that later." She pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed. "I have an assignment for you."

"But didn't you say that I could stay in the city now? My sisters are already questioning all of these 'business trips'."

"I did. But this is... different."

I wanted to argue, but something about her tone stopped me.

"Valentin is alive. I should have known not to send that new boy on the mission."

"Valentin?" I vaguely remembered hearing the name before, but I've heard so many in this job that I can't keep track of them all. "Isn't that the weird cult guy?"

"Not even close. You're thinking of Vadini. Valentin is a godfather. Last time, he was trying to sell information from various governments to businesses."

"Seems simple enough." I leaned back and let out a quiet sigh. "So why couldn't you stop him?"

"Literally anyone else could have. I was just stupid and sent Steilsson after him. I underestimated just how well protected he is."

"So this should be an easy mission, then?"

"Hopefully. I'm not taking chances, though." Héderváry leaned forward and looked at me severely. "I want you to pair up with Agent Jones."

" _Alfred?!_ "

"And I want you to pretend to be married to him."

I pause to stare at her. Surely she's joking.

"I... what?!"

"You heard me."

"But... why?"

 Héderváry smiled dryly. "Agent Braginsky, what do you think his men will think if they notice two young men, an American and a Russian, moving into a new town completely separately at around the same time? You're already the epitome of stereotypes as spies. All we need is Brit to form the holy trinity."

"Fair, but surely there's a better way."

"You have to diffuse suspicion. Who will suspect a gay couple of being spies? Just act domestic and cute, and no one will know the difference."

"But... but... it's  _Alfred_."

"I know that you and Agent Jones aren't known for getting along, but you need to do your best. Everyone else is already occupied with something else."

"Agent Héderváry, this isn't just a matter of annoyance. This is  _Alfred_. I can't even look at his stupid face without wanting to punch it!"

"You'll survive, Braginsky."

"But-"

"This conversation is over. I've already booked your plane tickets. You leave in one week."

"...Fine. What's my objective?"

"Bring back Valentin. Dead or alive."

I couldn't help but grumble the whole bus ride home. Was Héderváry really telling me to try to work with  _Alfred?!_  And act  _married_  to him?! I've always known that she must be a sadist, but this is beyond anything I could ever imagine. I took a bit of comforting in imagining that Alfred must have been just as horrified when he found out he'd have to live with me, but it didn't last very long. The idea of being so much as in the same room as Alfred made me sick. Oh god... were we going to have to share a bed too? I've done a lot of difficult missions before, but this is ridiculous. No man alive could stand this. I'd never been a religious man, but I found myself praying for the next several stops. Surely this was just some horrible nightmare, I told myself. There's no way that I'll actually have to... god, I can't even say it. Eventually, I managed to push the thought into the back of my mind. I can't handle it right now. I needed to go into denial for a bit.

The bus hit a speed bump, jolting me out of my thoughts. A little child fell backward and hit me, but I didn't react much. I had probably hit several people as well on this whole ride. Still, the mother snatched him away and scolded him for not being careful enough.

"Ah, don't worry about it. It wasn't his fault." I assured, doing my best to mask my accent. Even if I wasn't currently on a mission, it's been ingrained in me for far too long to not draw attention to myself.

As I got off the bus, I started to formulate a story in my head that I would tell my sisters. They have no idea that I'm a spy, of course. I told them that I work in high tech. Okay... so I have to go to Philadelphia in order to meet with a potential client and discuss a new product. I can't tell them where I'm actually going, just in case they accidentally tell someone unsavoury. That story would suffice. I've definitely told worse before.

It sometimes bothers me that I have to lie to my sisters about my whole life, but I know that it's for the best. They'd never understand... And besides, it would put them in grave danger. Maybe one day I'll tell them.

But not yet. I forced a smile as I walked through the door to the apartment we shared.

"Katy? Nat?" I called, "I'm home!"

"In the kitchen!"

The apartment was filled with the warm smell of solyanka and pryanik. God, I'll miss my sister's cooking... I followed the smell to the kitchen and kissed both of my sisters' cheeks.

"Hello, Ivan." Katyusha said with a smile, "How was work?"

"Fine. It was... well, busy, anyway."

"I can imagine." Natalya was sitting at the kitchen table, typing on her laptop. She was still in medical school and was almost as busy as me.

"Ah... speaking of busy..." I always hated this conversation. "I have a business trip coming up."

"Oh, Ivan. Another one?" Katyusha looked at me in defeat. 

"I know, I know... This should be the last one for a while, though." 

"You say that every time!" she argued.

I bit my lip. "I know... I'm sorry. I don't have any control over it, though. I'll lose the job if I refuse..."

"I know. But can't you talk to your boss?"

"I try! She promised that this would be the last one. She said that it's just an exception..."

Natalya cleared her throat. "I think we should just drop the subject. Ivan is obviously already upset about it."

I couldn't help but be a little embarrassed that I needed to be protected by my little sister, but I was still grateful.

"...Dinner smells good."

Katyusha brightened a bit at that. "Ah, thank you! I know it's your favourite. Sit, sit! It's almost ready!"

I sat down obediently and took a sip of the glass of water set out for me. "I'll miss your cooking, you know."

"I know you will. It's why you always come back." Katyusha teased, "Honestly, what would you do without me?"

I genuinely don't have an answer to that. I don't know what I'd do without my sisters.

"Well, regardless, I want you to know that I appreciate all of the work that you do."

The rest of the meal went surprisingly smoothly despite the revelation that I'd only be in the country for another week or so. Still, I couldn't help but feel bad for them. They'd understand if they only knew what was really at stake. People could die if I refused that business trip. But of course, they can't know, and they have to suffer because of that.

"So what are your plans for the evening?" I asked to break the silence.

"I'll probably take a short break from studying and go for a walk." Natalya mused.

"Maybe I'll go with you." Katyusha said quietly, "It would be nice to get out of the house. Ivan, would you like to join us?"

"I'm rather tired. I think I'll just head to bed."

"Of course."

I had no intention of sleeping, though. If I'm going to have to pretend to love Alfred for the next while, I might as well see if I can find anything remotely attractive about him. Instagram seemed like a good place to start. That night, I curled up under my blankets and scrolled through his feed. He wasn't an unattractive man. Sure, he wasn't going to win any Mr. Universe prizes, but he looked decent enough. God, though, that cocky-ass grin he always seemed to have made we want to punch him in his stupid face. Maybe he'd be more attractive if he was gagged. Actually, he probably has been gagged before when being captured... The idea made me smile a little, but I quickly kicked myself. No! This was supposed to be my husband. I can't hate him. Still, the longer I scrolled, the more my distaste for him seemed to grow. Eventually, when I found a photo of him holding a sign that read, "Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars", I couldn't help but gag. That's not even scientifically accurate! I don't know how I'll do this.


	2. Chapter 2

I grumbled quietly as I waited in the security line at the airport. I couldn't understand why the line was so long. This was a redeye flight. The airport shouldn't be so crowded. Sighing, I took my phone out and started to check all of his notifications. Surprisingly, by the time I was finished, I was pretty close to the front of the line.

After that, things went pretty quickly. Security didn't prove to be an issue, and I arrived at the gate ahead of schedule, so I even had time to buy a chocolate bar for the flight. Fortunately, Agent Héderváry had at least had the decency to book me in first class, so I was allowed to board the plane first.

I leaned back in my seat and nibbled on the end of my chocolate bar. I really hated that I was leaving my sisters behind once again. She hadn't said anything, but I could tell that Katyusha was trying not to cry when I left. I had gotten this job in hopes of giving them a better life, but it seemed that I was just making things worse. As always. For once, I actually wasn't too upset when I was suddenly pulled from my thoughts.

"Ivan! It's been a while."

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. "Hello, Alfred."

"So I guess we're gonna be spending the next few months together. Should be fun!"

I shot him a look. "Why are you pretending to be happy about this? I know you hate me as much as I hate you."

Alfred shrugged and sat next to me. "If we have to be living with each other, might as well make the best of it, right? I don't want to be completely miserable."

"Maybe, but I'd take much greater joy in making you miserable than trying to enjoy your company."

Alfred grimaced. "Wow, nice to see you again too." He took out a bag of chips and started to crunch on them, not even bothering to close his mouth as he chewed.

"Can you stop that?!"

"Stop what?"

"I swear to god, you're doing that on purpose."

Alfred looked at me with that god-awful shit-eating grin. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Oh, this was going to be a long flight... In hopes of tuning out Alfred's bullshit, I put my earbuds in and started to scroll through the online entertainment options. None of the movies looked particularly good, but I just chose a random one for the sake of shutting Alfred up. Unfortunately, it seemed that I had no such luck.

"Really? You're choosing that? You know, I've seen that before and it's really boring. Not nearly as good as the book, anyways. Have you even read the book?"

"Alfred, shut the fuck up."

"So you haven't, then? I'm surprised. I always took you for the reading type. You know, being a nerd and all."

"Alfred..."

I closed my eyes and sighed quietly. Oh my god. How the hell am I going to survive this flight? Eventually, though I got something resembling a good idea. At least, it was good enough for now.

"Alfred."

"Yeah?"

"We need to talk."

"Well, duh. I've been trying to talk to you this whole goddamn flight, but oh no, you wouldn't listen."

"Not about movies, dumbass! About... you know..."

"No. I don't."

I cleared my throat. "We're supposed to be married..."

"Yeah? And?"

"And I don't particularly want to have to fuck you every night."

Alfred looked startled. "W-what?! Well, obviously! God, you thought I'd want to do that?! What the hell is wrong with you-"

"I can't know. You're anything but predictable, Alfred."

"Well, yeah, but..."

"Alfred, we need to talk about boundaries in advance. That's what I'm trying to get at."

"Oh. Yeah, that's probably a good idea."

I sighed heavily. Finally.

"Okay, so what are your hard limits?"

"Well, no sex, obviously. And I don't want to act like a couple behind closed doors."

"Fair enough." I paused. "What about kissing? I don't want to, but it will definitely make it more realistic..."

Alfred grimaced. "Ugh... I guess..." He paused for a minute. "Lemme kiss you now so I can get used to it. I don't want to throw up in front of people if you're really bad."

I rolled my eyes. "Alright, whatever."

Alfred leaned forward and pressed his lips against mine. His breath was awful, his lips were rough and slightly painful, and his teeth clashed against mine awkwardly. Altogether, it was just an unpleasant experience. Still, I forced myself to tolerate it. Best to get used to it now.

"Alright. Well... we can work on that." I sighed.

"Oh, don't look so disgusted. You aren't the best kisser either."

"Maybe, but I don't act like a damn slut on the internet. You shouldn't expect me to be... experienced."

"What are you implying?!"

"Nothing, nothing."

"Hm..."

Thankfully, Alfred went silent for a few minutes. For a moment, I thought that he might be done, but I had no such luck.

"Ivan?"

I sighed. "Yes?"

"What do you want our house to look like?"

"I don't fucking care. With some luck, we'll be leaving it in a few months."

"Oh, come on! You act like you don't even want to try to enjoy yourself!"

"I don't."

"Wow, aren't you cheerful?"

"I don't have to be cheerful. I'm not your kindergarten teacher."

"No, but you're supposed to be my husband."

"Fuck you."

"Damn, I thought you didn't want to have sex."

"Alfred, I swear to the lord!"

"Oh, don't act like such a victim. You're being an asshole too. I'm just putting up with you."

I groaned and leaned back. "Alfred, just... Just shut up. Don't talk to me for the rest of the flight."

Alfred smirked. "What's the magic word?"

Oh, now he's definitely trying to make me hate him. Even more than I do, that is.

"Please..." I muttered.

"Much better!"

Sure enough, for the rest of the flight, Alfred was actually quiet. It didn't really help things, though. He just had a shit-eating grin on the whole time, probably pleased with himself for making me beg.

After what felt like an eternity, the plane finally landed. I got up quickly and got my carry-on from the overhead compartment before practically racing off the plane. As I walked into the terminal, though, I suddenly found myself crashing to the ground. Alfred stood over me, struggling not to laugh.

"You bastard!" I scrambled to my feet and dusted myself off. "You tripped me!"

"I'm sorry." Alfred was still grinning. "I didn't mean to."

"Yeah, whatever... Seems like you still enjoyed yourself."

Alfred smiled and shook his head. "You said it, not me," he commented absently before walking away to get his luggage.

I followed behind him, but fumed silently the whole time. How the hell am I supposed to put up with him? I don't even know how many times I've asked myself that today. Hell, for the past few weeks. But this was so much worse than I ever could have imagined. So... so much....

"Come on! Why are you walking so slowly?" Alfred laughed, "Hurry up!"

"Oh, whatever... Go fuck yourself, Alfred."

"Damn, someone's in a bad mood." He smirked. "Come here, sweetheart~ Gimme a kiss."

"I'd rather die," I spat. It was true, though.

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever." Alfred smiled sweetly and took my hand as we walked. I wanted to throw up.

"Alright, go find your suitcase. Stay away from me for as long as you can."

"So cruel." Alfred laughed obnoxiously and walked away. I really wanted to kill him. If I didn't need him for the mission, I probably would have.

With a longsuffering sigh, I finally walked over to the baggage carousel and sat back to look for my suitcase. After about a half hour passed, though, I couldn't find it. I frowned and turned to Alfred. "Did you find your suitcase?"

"Yeah, I did. Why?"

I looked at his bag and my eyes narrowed. "That's mine!"

"What? No, it's not! It's mine!"

I walked over to him and grabbed the luggage tag. Sure enough, it had my initials on it. Written in Cyrillic, no less.

"See?"

Alfred looked at the tag in amazement, then walked towards the carousel again, grumbling the whole way. I rolled my eyes and snatched up the suitcase. In all honesty, I didn't really think he was grabbing my bag to be malicious, but I was mad at him, so it was easier to put blame on him. Besides, he didn't seem to care.

In a few minutes, Alfred found his real bag and walked back towards me. "Okay, dipshit. Are we calling a cab or what?"

"We'll see." I sighed quietly and pinched the bridge of my nose. "For now, I just need quiet for a minute. I feel like my head is about to explode."

"Yeah, people tend to get that around me." Alfred smirked. "It's not every day you see someone so undeniably handsome."

"I think the word you're looking for is stupid."

"Hey! You shut your mouth!"

Well, at least this was some revenge for the plane ride.


	3. Chapter 3

The car ride to our home for the mission was long and tedious. Alfred had promised to shut up if I let him put on his playlist, and against my better judgement, I had said yes. That meant that for the entire ninety minute car ride, I was forced to listen to his god-awful music that he insisted was popular where he was from. Sure.

However, at long last, we arrived. I was grateful to find that the house at least wouldn't be unbearable. In fact, it looked quite warm and inviting. White panelled walls sat comfortably on top of a red brick foundation, and the porch was made of a light spruce would that had obviously been made recently.

Leading to the house was a dust-coloured cobblestone path with wildflowers lining either side, and a young oak tree grew on the right side of the driveway.

As we walked inside, we were greeted by the scent of fresh wood and flowers, most likely from the vase in the middle of the coffee table. I found myself quite liking the decor. It was cozy and nostalgic, and wouldn't have been out of place in a 1950's sitcom. The walls were painted a soft lavender, and some paintings of gardens and forests were hung on the walls to give it some brighter tones.

"Well... at least she has good taste in decorating..." I muttered under my breath.

"Are you serious? This looks like my grandma's house!" Alfred crossed his arms and huffed irritably. "Whatever. Let's just get out of here as soon as possible."

"I agree with that last statement, anyways. But before we can do anything, we have to unpack."

"Ugh... can't we just wait for a bit? I'm so tired!"

"I'm tired too, Alfred. But the sooner we unpack, the sooner we can get to work, right? So it's best to get it over with now."

"Hmph... fine. Whatever." Alfred stormed outside and slammed the door behind him. Sighing, I waited a few seconds before following behind him. I wasn't sure I wanted to be in close proximity to him when he was so angry.

By the time I reached the car, Alfred was already in the house with his first load. I had only packed two bags, so it would only take me one trip, but I couldn't help but notice how much stuff Alfred brought.  _What could he possibly need to fill so many bags?_ Still, I figured that this might be a good opportunity to try to get on his good side. I took one of his lighter bags and stacked it on top of my suitcase before starting to carry all three bags into the house. I had just reached the door when Alfred suddenly appeared in front of me.

"What the hell are you doing with my shit?!" He snatched his bag out of my hands and glared at me.

"Hey, I was just trying to help! There's no need to be so defensive."

"Well, don't! Get your filthy paws off my stuff, got it? It's bad enough to share a house with you. I don't want to have to share my stuff with you too."

I rolled my eyes and started to carry my things upstairs. "So what room are we staying in?"

"'We'?"

"Well, we're married. Aren't we meant to sleep together?"

"Hell no! I'm not sharing a bed with you!" Alfred wrinkled his nose in disgust. "God... I'd rather die than do that!"

"Alfred, listen, I don't like it either, but I-"

"I'll bet that you actually want it, don't you?"

"Alfred, I swear to god, I don't-"

"Come on, man! Do you honestly think I'm fucking blind? The only time we have to pretend to give a shit about each other is in front of other people. They aren't gonna watch us sleep!"

"First of all, you don't know that. I've seen people do stranger things than that when they think that they're being spied on. Second of all, what if the neighbours want to come over? We'll have to accept or we'll appear rude, and if they come in and notice that there are two rooms being slept in, they'll have questions. Questions that we won't want to answer, right?"

Alfred glared at me and kicked the ground. "I guess..." He huffed and threw one of his bags on the bed in the main bedroom. "But you had better not touch me while you're sleeping, got it?"

"Naturally. And I'd ask the same of you."

"Like I'd ever want to touch you." Alfred gagged at the thought and shook his head. "You make the bed. I'm gonna bring the rest of my stuff inside."

With that, he turned around and vanished. I groaned and opened my suitcase before taking out the bedding I had brought. It was from my house back home, and I smiled at it's familiarity. Snow white sheets and an intricately sewn quilt with various fabrics my sister had used over the years to make everything from curtains to clothing. I made the bed carefully and smoothed out the sheets to get rid of any wrinkles, then set a photo of my sisters on the end table closer to the window. It wasn't much, but at least it would make me a bit less homesick.

I was just finishing up when Alfred barged in. "What the hell is this?! You're an actual grandma, aren't you?"

"I... I beg your pardon?"

"This is a joke, right? This quilt looks stupid. I'm not sleeping with that shit over me."

My eyes narrowed and I crossed my arms. "Then get your own damn blanket. You can't be such a baby all the time or you'll get yourself killed."

"Whatever. I just finished setting up my stuff in the bathroom. You can unpack your shit too while I try to fix this."

As he spoke, Alfred started to unpack various movie posters and strange paintings from his bag, pasting them all over the otherwise pristine walls.

I groaned and trudged over to the bathroom reluctantly. As soon as I stepped inside, I was bombarded by the thick, chemical stench of hair products. They were everywhere. All over the counter, filling the shower, some were even sitting on the back of the toilet.

_Well, that explains why he had so many bags..._

Still, it left me with a slight problem. I had nowhere to put  _my_  products. With a resigned sigh, I started to attempt to move all of Alfred's hair products to one side of the counter, claiming the other side as mine. As I was starting to put my things away, the door slammed open and Alfred barged inside.

"I thought I told you to keep your fucking paws off of my shit!" he roared.

"For fuck's sake, Alfred! Have you seen how many products you have? I need space for my stuff too."

"That's not my problem. I need all of this stuff in order to look good. Something you'd know nothing about."

"I'm not getting rid of them, Alfred!" I pinched the bridge of my nose and groaned. "Look... all I'm asking is that you leave a bit of space for me to put my things. Does that sound fair?"

"No! I need to know where all of my stuff is, and if you move it around, I'll lose track of things! Besides, I put it down first, so I get to decide how much counter space I take up."

"I don't think that that's how it works, Alfred."

"Oh, just go fuck off."

I groaned and reluctantly decided to step away. There was no sense in angering him further, as much as I wanted to defend myself. As I left the bathroom, I couldn't help but stifle a yawn. God, I was exhausted... That flight had been brutal, and combined with the jet lag, I felt like I could pass out at any given moment. Well... since Alfred was busy anyways...

I headed to the bedroom and collapsed on the bed, not even bothering to cover myself with the blankets. The second my head hit the pillow, I fell fast asleep. It felt like I had only been asleep for a couple of seconds, though, when I felt someone shaking me.

"Ivan!"

"Huh...?" I opened my eyes blearily and the world seemed to spin around me. "What's going on?"

"What's going on? Are you seriously asking that?"

I groaned when I recognized the voice. 

"Alfred, fuck off..."

"Oh, you're one to talk! Were you honestly just going to sleep while I did all the work unpacking?"

"'m already unpacked... You unpack your own shit..."

"Lazy bitch. At least help me with dinner."

"Fine, fine." The idea wasn't too bad to me, to be honest. I really didn't want to try Alfred's cooking. "Just let me sleep for a couple more minutes... You can finish unpacking your stuff..."

"Hmph. Some help you are." Alfred glared at me once more before storming out of the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. I barely even processed him leaving before I drifted back off to sleep and dreamt of somewhere that I wouldn't have to be around Alfred.


	4. Chapter 4

"...Alfred?"

"What do you want now?" Alfred glared at me as he continued to work at taping up posters in our bedroom.

I rolled my eyes at his tone, but forced myself to remain civil with him. After all, getting angry won't solve anything. Especially not when I'm relying on him to make sure that this mission is successful. "You... uh... may want to look out the window. And watch your volume."

"I'm not watching sh- oh. Oh, fuck."

I approached him from behind and sighed, shaking my head. A small group of families was standing on our driveway, chatting quite contentedly amongst themselves. On the bright side, they seemed to be in a relatively good mood... Then again, you can never tell who you can and can't trust in this business.

"It's the neighbours," I said under my breath.

"Yeah, I can fucking see that. But what are we gonna do about it, Braginsky?"

"What options do we have? We pretty much have to invite them in and look like a couple."

Alfred crossed his arms and shot me a venomous glare. "Oh, fuck off. There's no way in hell that I'm gonna act like I  _love_  you."

Oh my god, he is such a spoiled brat. What is wrong with him?! Can't he see that this is part of the goddamn mission that we were assigned?

"Well, you're going to have to. Unless you can think of any scathingly brilliant ideas?"

Alfred went silent at that, but his look didn't even begin to soften. "Fine. But I'm not fucking happy about it!"

That makes two of us, asshole. But I'm not being a whiny little bitch about it.

"Oh, believe me, I'm not happy about this whole assignment."

We took a moment to collect ourselves and try to get into character, but when the doorbell rang, it was show time. I pasted on my sweetest, cavity-inducing smile and walked downstairs. Taking a deep breath to calm myself, I opened the door and nodded to greet the neighbours. There were three families, each of which seemed to be the perfect nuclear clan. A stern, smartly dressed father, a beautiful and collected mother, and absolutely adorable children. Not that they were exactly as well-behaved as their parents would have liked...

"Ah, hello! I'm assuming that you will be our neighbours?" I extended my hand to shake. "Come in, come in! Alfred is just making some coffee. I'm sure that it would be no trouble for him to make some extra!"

The tallest woman had two screaming children clutched in her arms and she sighed as she walked inside, smiling sheepishly at me. "I'm sorry, I just can't control them. They'll settle in a moment, though."

"Oh, of course! No trouble at all, no trouble at all." I managed to keep my smile intact even as my ears started to ring. "My name is Ivan! We just moved in today, so you'll have to forgive the mess."

"Oh, it's perfectly fine. I remember I still had one or two boxes scattered around the day I moved into my house," another woman laughed.

"Yes, moving is certainly a big task, isn't it. Alfred, dearest?" My voice was positively dripping with honey. God, I needed to make sure to be as much of a dick to Alfred as possible after this to make up for all of this sickly sweet bullshit. "Why don't you come to meet our new neighbours?"

"Just a moment, my love!" He exited the kitchen and handed me a large mug of coffee with a dramatic flourish at the end. Based on the look in his eyes, I knew he knew fully damn well that he put too much sugar in for my taste. However, I took a slow sip of the warm liquid anyways and did my best not to grimace.

"I told them that you wouldn't mind making some extra coffee for them."

"Way ahead of you, sweetheart. I already made some extra when I saw them outside."

Look at him, trying to play the perfect little husband. Well, two can play at that game. "Oh, how sweet of you. You're always so thoughtful." 

I leaned forward and braced myself before carefully pressing a kiss against Alfred's lips with a grin. They were far too rough and his breath tasted disgusting, but the look on his face afterward was well worth it. He managed to keep that dapper smile on, but he was obviously struggling.

"Aw, aren't you two adorable?" the first woman crooned, "Tell me, when did you get married?"

"Oh, not long ago. We just got back from our honeymoon," Alfred said before I could even think of an answer. God, he always has to try to outdo me, doesn't he? Well, we'll see who's laughing when his diva ass gets in trouble because he can't stand to be mildly uncomfortable for fifteen seconds...

"Ah, yes, so I think we're ready to settle down now." It was a struggle to keep my smile painted on, but I managed to do it for the sake of the mission. I wanted nothing more than to punch Alfred in his stupid goddamn face. Soon, I told myself. I can do that once the neighbours leave. Oh, I can't wait...

"Well, I wish you the best," a man said, placing a hand on my shoulder. I just laughed warmly and nodded in thanks. Is that how you react to that kind of thing? At this point, I was too angry to think clearly.

Alfred smiled warmly. "If you'll all excuse me for a moment, I need to talk to my husband in the kitchen."

Before I could even begin to process what Alfred was saying, let alone respond, I was whisked away to the kitchen and shoved against the door of the fridge.

"Ivan, what the hell?!" Alfred snapped, "What was that?"

I stared at him for a moment, then laughed. Oh. He was still mad about the kiss. Good. "What? We're supposed to act all affectionate and shit." I knew that I was right, and Alfred did too.

"Yeah, but... ugh... I don't know if my lips will ever be clean again."

Ha! Still struggling to say anything that can be taken seriously. Pathetic. "Oh, grow up. We agreed earlier that we'd do whatever it takes, right?"

"I guess..."

"And the sooner we make a believable couple, the sooner we can get on with the mission, go home, and never see each other again." And that moment couldn't arrive soon enough... At this point, we were only a day in, and I was already counting down the seconds until the moment I'd never have to see Alfred's obnoxious ass again.

Alfred huffed. "Whatever." Suddenly, he slapped me across the face. I let out a quiet yelp in surprise, but managed to more or less maintain my composure. "But that's revenge."

I rolled my eyes and shoved him away before walking towards the kitchen door. So immature. Leave it to Alfred to solve all of his problems with violence. Suddenly, my face paled. "Alfred, you didn't close the fucking door," I hissed. That idiot! Can't he do anything right?!

Alfred stared at me. "Wait, so... are you saying..."

"Possibly. Come on, let's do some damage control."

As I left the kitchen, though, no one seemed particularly shocked. For once, I was grateful to the screaming children. They seemed to have drowned us out. I sighed quietly and leaned against the doorframe. "Thank god..."

The mother from before smiled as she approached me. "Don't worry, dear, no one else heard what happened."

My heart stopped. "I... excuse me?"

"Oh, no need to get all shy. After all, you're young. It's normal to dabble in these kinds of things."

"These... kinds of..." What was she going on about?

"Oh, silly, you know what I mean." The woman winked. "I know I may look old, but I've had many adventures with my husband before. It's normal to want to spice things up. Just... keep it to the bedroom when you have company."

Oh. Oh, thank god. I never thought I'd be so grateful that someone thought I was having sex with Alfred. As disgusting as the concept was, it could very well save us.

"Ah... yes, sorry. It can be hard to control these things, sometimes..." I laughed nervously.

"Oh, believe me, I know. I've been there. But you learn. And besides, there are children here."

"Yes. Once again, I am very sorry." I managed to force my face to redden slightly for effect. I wanted to look embarrassed, not relieved. "But please don't tell the others what happened? It would be quite embarrassing if a bunch of strangers knew these things..."

"Of course. It will be our little secret." She laughed and ruffled my hair. "But I hope that we won't be strangers for long. You know, you two seem very much like my husband and I when we were young. I wouldn't be surprised at all if we got along very well."


End file.
